I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
