i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
