Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
