last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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