and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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