My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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