and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
