I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
