i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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