i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
