So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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