life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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