apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
