Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
