Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
