whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i was born a porn star she said
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
