in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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