Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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