If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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