Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
