I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
