I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
