I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i now understand why vodka
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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