my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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