if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
