I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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