were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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