i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
