I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
