Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
