I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
