Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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