I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
