Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
