So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
