At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
