a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
