Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
