There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
