Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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