worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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