ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
