cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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