just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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