: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
