$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize