ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
