Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
