the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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