I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
All the doctor said was why
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
