Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
