i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
