Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Randomize
