I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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