I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
