did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
