i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.