giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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