Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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